Style Conversational Week 1251: Thanks, everyone In our previous ‘things to be thankful’ contests, not all linings stayed silver In 2006, Art Grinath was a runner-up in Week 685 with this entry: “I’m thankful that Kim Jong Il doesn’t have an evil twin.” Maybe not, but four years later we got the evil spawn. (ASSOCIATED PRESS) By Pat Myers Pat Myers Editor and judge of The Style Invitational since December 2003 Email // Bio // Follow // October 26, 2017 For one thing, I was thankful in 2006 for not getting too much heat for getting the week number wrong. In the Sunday, Oct. 22, paper that year, I announced the predecessor ofthis week’s Style Invitational contest as Week 686, failing to keep straight that the previous week’s contest was Week 684. What-everrrrr. The next week, I called that contest Week 686a. I am truly thankful now that such an error — like many others I make regularly — will no longer make it into the Sunday paper to remain for eternity: Now that I post the Invite online every Thursday, I know that numerous eagle-eyed members of the Loser Community will catch it and let me know in time to fix the print version before the Thursday evening typesetting deadline. Anyway, I’m still here, and so is our 1,251-or-so-week-old pal. Though we’ve had other “silver linings” contests — most recently about the 2016 presidential election;results here ), Really Week 685 is the exact antecedent of Week 1251. So if you’re entering this week, don’t use the jokes below. I’ve annotated the topical references from the middle of the George W. Bush era, which probably were very gettable back then. Most notable to me is the first entry in the list of results, the fourth-place entry by Art Grinath: “I’m thankful that Kim Jong Il doesn’t have an evil twin.” True, but not enough, alas: It would be just four years before the Dear Leader met his demise to be succeeded by the closest thing: his evil clone, Liddle Kim Jong Un. Enduring thanks: From the Week 685 Style Invitational, October 2006. (Bob Staake for The Washington Post ) Here are the rest: *Report From Week 686* *(a.k.a. Week 685),* in which we asked you to offer up some things to be thankful for. Some people supplied notes of thanks especially suited to the Thanksgiving table; others espoused more generally ridiculous/nasty/cynical sentiments. Most everyone expressed heartfelt thanks for the 22nd Amendment . *Third place: * I’m thankful that someone found my grandmother attractive. (Tim Vanderlee, Austin) *Second place, * /the winner of the bobblehead of President Bush in his “Mission Accomplished” flight suit:/ That I’m tall enough that I can’t smell my own feet. (Eric Murphy, Ann Arbor, Mich.) *And the Winner of the Inker : * We should all be thankful that bald eagles taste terrible. Their eggs, too. (Bruce Alter, Fairfax Station, Va.) *We’re Also Mildly Appreciative . . . : Honorable Mentions* That my daughter has not yet pierced her other eyeball. (Rick Haynes, Potomac, Md.) That here in the Washington area we have many wonderful cultural attractions, some of which I might get to one of these days if my relatives come to visit. (Dennis Lindsay, Seabrook, Md.) That dogs don’t know everyone else hates you. (Dave Prevar, Annapolis, Md.) For the sophistication of French cuisine, especially their fries. (Bob Dalton, Arlington, Va.) That I learned that x = 3 and y = 4, so now I’ll be able to help my son with his algebra homework. (Jeff Brechlin, Eagan, Minn.) That they don’t allow remote controls at the movie theater. (Art Grinath, Takoma Park, Md.) That O.J. likes to play golf so much — otherwise he might still be looking for me. — T.R. Killer, Brentwood, Calif. (Jeff Brechlin) [as in “The real killer,” whom Simpson, upon his acquittal, vowed to search for] That zombies can be stopped by a sharp blow to the head. (Stephen Dudzik, Olney, Md.) [Well, they’re back in fashion.] That it’s bags of spinach that kill you and not bags of M&M’s. (Russell Beland, Springfield, Va.) [A month before, there had been a deadly E. coli outbreak traced to bags of the otherwise-superfood.] That you have to admit you have a problem before going through all the other steps. Man, did that save me a lot of time! (Drew Bennett, Alexandria, Va.) [Shortly after this, Drew relocated to West Plains, Mo., to become chancellor of the Missouri State campus there. He plans to retire next spring, but fortunately has kept entering the Invite — he wins this week.] I’m thankful yo mama so easy. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.) That everyone realized Helen Keller was playing up her handicaps for effect. — R.L., West Palm Beach, Fla. (Jay Shuck, Minneapolis) [Rush Limbaugh had just attacked actor Michael J. Fox for “moving all around and shaking and it’s purely an act.” Fox, who was endorsing candidates who favored stem cell research, has Parkinson’s disease.] That GM doesn’t make Hondas. (Rick Peterson, Bethesda, Md.) [General Motors was still in the midst of a coverup scandal involving cars whose ignitions suddenly turned off, causing several deaths.] That changing their name from Bullets to Wizards did so much to reduce gun violence in Washington. (Thad Humphries, Castleton, Va.) [Abe Pollin, then the owner of Washington’s NBA team, changed the name when the team moved from the suburbs to a new arena downtown. The original name, Pollin said, was to connote “faster than a speeding bullet,” but “today the connotation is a little different. It’s connected with so many horrible things that people do with guns and bullets”; the city had logged 416 murders the previous year. (That entry is an example of one that I’ve run although I disagree with its sentiments: I don’t think it’s fair to criticize a clearly symbolic high-minded gesture because it doesn’t produce empirical results.)] That Tibet and Somalia probably still don’t have nuclear weapons. (Jeannie Kunkel, Fairfax, Va.) [Still possibly true!] That no one on my kid’s soccer team knows that I’m a doctor, because when the coach’s kid broke his leg and people were shouting for a doctor, I was making a run for high score in Tetris on my cellphone. (Jeff Brechlin) [Jeff, fortunately, is not actually a doctor. This, in an only slightly different form, would have worked in Week 1248’s “True Confessions” contest, whose results run next week.] That your pets can’t testify against you. (Bob Dalton) That old age doesn’t last forever. (Dave Kelsey, Fairfax, Va.) I’m thankful that Uncle Billy finally croaked and I get a chance to sit at the big table. (Rich Carlson, Bowie, Md.) I am thankful for this squash from our garden, which cost about $75 to grow. (Peter Metrinko, Chantilly, Va.) That NFL halftimes are only 15 minutes, so we don’t have to waste lots of time sitting around the dinner table on Thanksgiving Day. (Marty McCullen, Gettysburg, Pa.) [That year, the NFL added a third game to the Thanksgiving schedule, allowing couch sweet potatoes to root themselves in front of the tube for something like 12 hours. This year’s triple-header, by the way: the Lions and Vikings at 12:30 Eastern; the Chargers and Cowboys at 4:30; and finally the New York Giants at Washington at 8:30.] That Steve Wynn is not a museum curator or an eye surgeon. (David Kleinbard, Jersey City) [In 2006 the flamboyant Las Vegas casino owner was showing off the Picasso painting he’d bought for $48 million and was about to sell it for more than $100 million, when he wheeled around and accidentally (duh) stuck his elbow through it. Amazing epilogue: The intended buyer, a hedge fund billionaire and well-known collector, eventually bought the painting anyway after restoration — for more than he’d originally agreed to pay.] That Mark Foley was thoughtful enough to put his feelings in writing. (David Kleinbard) [The previous month, it was revealed that Rep. Mark Foley of Florida had sent sexually suggestive emails and instant messages to teenage boys who had formerly served as congressional pages. A Republican who’d voted against gay rights legislation, Foley resigned.] That it turns out Ben Cardin ALSO loves puppies — whew!! (Ron Jackson, Chevy Chase, Md.) [Democrat-turned-Republican Michael Steele ran against Cardin, then a popular Democratic House member, for the Senate from Maryland. Steele rana commercial warning voters that people were going to say mean things about him like “Steele Hates Puppies,” and that, for the record, he actually loved puppies. It was cute, but Marylanders elected Cardin overwhelmingly.] That I don’t understand Portuguese, because that’s what the nasty voices in my head speak. (Bird Waring, New York) That there were no wild emu in 1621 New England. (Ben Aronin, Washington) That I don’t yet know which aisle of the supermarket has the Depends. (Patrick Mattimore, San Francisco) That my class president elections didn’t use Diebold machines. (Seth Brown, North Adams, Mass.) [A number of voting irregularities had been discovered in Diebold voting machines in software, including in the crucial Florida vote in the 2000 presidential election. Closer to 2006, much was made of the fact that the chairman of Diebold was a major Republican fundraiser.] I’m thankful for women who love short, cheap, egomaniacal guys. (David Kleinbard) That it actually does get better than this. (Art Grinath) And Last: I’m thankful that for one more week, I don’t own that butt-ugly painting. (Brendan Beary, Great Mills) [Style Invitational Week 686 for Real asked contestants to say why they should be awarded Loser Fred Dawson’soriginal portrait of a (very) red-haired woman , which Fred himself had touted as a terrible picture. Art Grinath had won the painting in an earlier Invite, but insisted on regifting it, saying that “frankly, it frightened my cats.” And who won the painting this second time? Not Brendan. It was . . .: /And the Winner of the Ugly Painting:/ “I should get it because everyone thinks you’ll give it to me because that would be funny, but then people will think you would never resort to such a cheap and easy laugh, so they’ll be sure you won’t give it to me, and that’s when you’ll fool them. (Art Grinath, Takoma Park)” *TAKE 1,247: THE MOVIE RESCRIPT RESULTS * Ah, so much silly in the results of Week 1247, in which we asked you to reinterpret the title of a movie and supply a line from your “script.” Lots of fun this week — how can you not laugh at Gary Crockett’s “Shawshank Redemption: “I’m going to the pawnshop to get my shawshank back”? — and there were literally hundreds of entries I found amusing. But take it from me: the jokes start to wear thin after the first few dozen, which is why I cut off the list of inking entries at a still healthy 35, in which 27 Losers get ink. Once again, I was disappointed to end up without a First Offender, though it’s just the second blot of ink for Mark Prysant and James Kruger, the third for Danny Wysong and the fourth for Colin Schatz. The aforementioned Drew Bennett stubs his toe on the 150-ink milestone with his seventh win (but his first of the new Lose Cannon trophies). And runners-up Jesse Frankovich, Larry Gray and Danielle Nowlin — with 618 blots of ink among them, including 76 “above the fold” — each got multiple honorable mentions as well. *What Doug Dug:* The faves of Ace Copy Editor Doug Norwood this week are from the HM list: Danielle’s “Boyz N the Hood” and “How to Train Your Dragon’; “The Thin Red Line” by Duncan Stevens, who suggested the contest; and Dave Matuskey’s “Invasion of the Body Snatchers.” There were, unsurprisingly, a lot of similar “scripts” for many of the titles. There are a few joint credits, but I usually chose one over another for some reason (if it concerned your non-inking entry, it was because I just don’t like that smirk on your face). *Cut! Unprintables from Week 1247: * Among those not rated P (printable) this week (I sneaked Tom Witte’s “Must Love Dogs” into the Invite near the end, and at this writing it’s still there). I’m just looking up the names of the authors as I copy these entries in: On Golden Pond: “I guess threesomes and water sports are a bad combination.” (Duncan Stevens) He’s Just Not That Into You: “Ma’am, I think I’ve figured out why you and your husband Little Willy are having trouble conceiving.” (Duncan Stevens) The 400 Blows: “Ms. Lovelace, we all think it’s time for you to retire.” (Neal Starkman) Peter Pan: “Nigella, I’m afraid to ask but, which pot do I use to cook the spotted dick?” (John McCooey) 9 to 5: “It’s all right, really – so what if you’re not as big as my ex? I swear, I’m not comparing you!” (Tom Witte, who seems to have a fixation on penis length ... I mean penis length jokes) Die Hard: “Well, that about completes Mr. Dillinger’s autopsy. Let’s just check one last thing...HOLY SH*T!” (Rob Huffman) Going in Style: “This is a really nice hotel suite, Mr. Trump. Thanks for the caviar and all that champagne. What would you like Olga and me to do now?” (Mark Prysant) The reason that this joke is here and not in the Invite proper is that it concerns really scurrilous and really unproven allegations. I’ve run jokes that have alluded to the scandal, but I thought this entry was a bit too specific. By the way, the original movie title is a pun in itself; it’s a comedy about old men risking their lives in a bank heist. “How Green Was My Valley”: “My bikini waxer thinks I’d better cut out the kale smoothies before I need medical help.” (Barry Koch) *Next Loser Sighting: * Sunday, Nov. 12, the brunch buffet at Buddy’s Crabs and Ribs at the Annapolis City Dock. I plan to go. RSVP to Elden Carnahan here .