Style Conversational Week 1251: Thanks, everyone
In our previous ‘things to be thankful’ contests, not all linings
stayed silver
In 2006, Art Grinath was a runner-up in Week 685 with this entry: “I’m
thankful that Kim Jong Il doesn’t have an evil twin.” Maybe not, but
four years later we got the evil spawn. (ASSOCIATED PRESS)
By Pat Myers
Pat Myers
Editor and judge of The Style Invitational since December 2003
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October 26, 2017
For one thing, I was thankful in 2006 for not getting too much heat for
getting the week number wrong.
In the Sunday, Oct. 22, paper that year, I announced the predecessor
ofthis week’s Style Invitational contest as
Week 686, failing to keep straight that the previous week’s contest was
Week 684. What-everrrrr. The next week, I called that contest Week 686a.
I am truly thankful now that such an error — like many others I make
regularly — will no longer make it into the Sunday paper to remain for
eternity: Now that I post the Invite online every Thursday, I know that
numerous eagle-eyed members of the Loser Community will catch it and let
me know in time to fix the print version before the Thursday evening
typesetting deadline.
Anyway, I’m still here, and so is our 1,251-or-so-week-old pal.
Though we’ve had other “silver linings” contests — most recently about
the 2016 presidential election;results here
),
Really Week 685 is the exact antecedent of Week 1251. So if you’re
entering this week, don’t use the jokes below. I’ve annotated the
topical references from the middle of the George W. Bush era, which
probably were very gettable back then.
Most notable to me is the first entry in the list of results, the
fourth-place entry by Art Grinath: “I’m thankful that Kim Jong Il
doesn’t have an evil twin.” True, but not enough, alas: It would be just
four years before the Dear Leader met his demise to be succeeded by the
closest thing: his evil clone, Liddle Kim Jong Un.
Enduring thanks: From the Week 685 Style Invitational, October 2006.
(Bob Staake for The Washington Post )
Here are the rest:
*Report From Week 686* *(a.k.a. Week 685),* in which we asked you to
offer up some things to be thankful for. Some people supplied notes of
thanks especially suited to the Thanksgiving table; others espoused more
generally ridiculous/nasty/cynical sentiments. Most everyone expressed
heartfelt thanks for the 22nd Amendment
.
*Third place: * I’m thankful that someone found my grandmother
attractive. (Tim Vanderlee, Austin)
*Second place, * /the winner of the bobblehead of President Bush in his
“Mission Accomplished” flight suit:/ That I’m tall enough that I can’t
smell my own feet. (Eric Murphy, Ann Arbor, Mich.)
*And the Winner of the Inker
:
* We should all be thankful that bald eagles taste terrible. Their eggs,
too. (Bruce Alter, Fairfax Station, Va.)
*We’re Also Mildly Appreciative . . . : Honorable Mentions*
That my daughter has not yet pierced her other eyeball. (Rick Haynes,
Potomac, Md.)
That here in the Washington area we have many wonderful cultural
attractions, some of which I might get to one of these days if my
relatives come to visit. (Dennis Lindsay, Seabrook, Md.)
That dogs don’t know everyone else hates you. (Dave Prevar, Annapolis, Md.)
For the sophistication of French cuisine, especially their fries. (Bob
Dalton, Arlington, Va.)
That I learned that x = 3 and y = 4, so now I’ll be able to help my son
with his algebra homework. (Jeff Brechlin, Eagan, Minn.)
That they don’t allow remote controls at the movie theater. (Art
Grinath, Takoma Park, Md.)
That O.J. likes to play golf so much — otherwise he might still be
looking for me. — T.R. Killer, Brentwood, Calif. (Jeff Brechlin) [as in
“The real killer,” whom Simpson, upon his acquittal, vowed to search for]
That zombies can be stopped by a sharp blow to the head. (Stephen
Dudzik, Olney, Md.) [Well, they’re back in fashion.]
That it’s bags of spinach that kill you and not bags of M&M’s. (Russell
Beland, Springfield, Va.) [A month before, there had been a deadly E.
coli outbreak traced to bags of the otherwise-superfood.]
That you have to admit you have a problem before going through all the
other steps. Man, did that save me a lot of time! (Drew Bennett,
Alexandria, Va.) [Shortly after this, Drew relocated to West Plains,
Mo., to become chancellor of the Missouri State campus there. He plans
to retire next spring, but fortunately has kept entering the Invite — he
wins this week.]
I’m thankful yo mama so easy. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.)
That everyone realized Helen Keller was playing up her handicaps for
effect. — R.L., West Palm Beach, Fla. (Jay Shuck, Minneapolis) [Rush
Limbaugh had just attacked actor Michael J. Fox for “moving all around
and shaking and it’s purely an act.” Fox, who was endorsing candidates
who favored stem cell research, has Parkinson’s disease.]
That GM doesn’t make Hondas. (Rick Peterson, Bethesda, Md.) [General
Motors was still in the midst of a coverup scandal involving cars whose
ignitions suddenly turned off, causing several deaths.]
That changing their name from Bullets to Wizards did so much to reduce
gun violence in Washington. (Thad Humphries, Castleton, Va.)
[Abe Pollin, then the owner of Washington’s NBA team, changed the name
when the team moved from the suburbs to a new arena downtown. The
original name, Pollin said, was to connote “faster than a speeding
bullet,” but “today the connotation is a little different. It’s
connected with so many horrible things that people do with guns and
bullets”; the city had logged 416 murders the previous year. (That entry
is an example of one that I’ve run although I disagree with its
sentiments: I don’t think it’s fair to criticize a clearly symbolic
high-minded gesture because it doesn’t produce empirical results.)]
That Tibet and Somalia probably still don’t have nuclear weapons.
(Jeannie Kunkel, Fairfax, Va.) [Still possibly true!]
That no one on my kid’s soccer team knows that I’m a doctor, because
when the coach’s kid broke his leg and people were shouting for a
doctor, I was making a run for high score in Tetris on my cellphone.
(Jeff Brechlin) [Jeff, fortunately, is not actually a doctor. This, in
an only slightly different form, would have worked in Week 1248’s “True
Confessions” contest, whose results run next
week.]
That your pets can’t testify against you. (Bob Dalton)
That old age doesn’t last forever. (Dave Kelsey, Fairfax, Va.)
I’m thankful that Uncle Billy finally croaked and I get a chance to sit
at the big table. (Rich Carlson, Bowie, Md.)
I am thankful for this squash from our garden, which cost about $75 to
grow. (Peter Metrinko, Chantilly, Va.)
That NFL halftimes are only 15 minutes, so we don’t have to waste lots
of time sitting around the dinner table on Thanksgiving Day. (Marty
McCullen, Gettysburg, Pa.) [That year, the NFL added a third game to the
Thanksgiving schedule, allowing couch sweet potatoes to root themselves
in front of the tube for something like 12 hours. This year’s
triple-header, by the way: the Lions and Vikings at 12:30 Eastern; the
Chargers and Cowboys at 4:30; and finally the New York Giants at
Washington at 8:30.]
That Steve Wynn is not a museum curator or an eye surgeon. (David
Kleinbard, Jersey City) [In 2006 the flamboyant Las Vegas casino owner
was showing off the Picasso painting he’d bought for $48 million and was
about to sell it for more than $100 million, when he wheeled around and
accidentally (duh) stuck his elbow through it. Amazing epilogue:
The intended buyer, a hedge fund billionaire and well-known collector,
eventually bought the painting anyway after restoration — for more than
he’d originally agreed to pay.]
That Mark Foley was thoughtful enough to put his feelings in writing.
(David Kleinbard) [The previous month, it was revealed that Rep. Mark
Foley of Florida had sent sexually suggestive emails and instant
messages to teenage boys who had formerly served as congressional pages.
A Republican who’d voted against gay rights legislation, Foley resigned.]
That it turns out Ben Cardin ALSO loves puppies — whew!! (Ron Jackson,
Chevy Chase, Md.) [Democrat-turned-Republican Michael Steele ran against
Cardin, then a popular Democratic House member, for the Senate from
Maryland. Steele rana commercial
warning voters that people
were going to say mean things about him like “Steele Hates Puppies,” and
that, for the record, he actually loved puppies. It was cute, but
Marylanders elected Cardin overwhelmingly.]
That I don’t understand Portuguese, because that’s what the nasty voices
in my head speak. (Bird Waring, New York)
That there were no wild emu in 1621 New England. (Ben Aronin, Washington)
That I don’t yet know which aisle of the supermarket has the Depends.
(Patrick Mattimore, San Francisco)
That my class president elections didn’t use Diebold machines. (Seth
Brown, North Adams, Mass.) [A number of voting irregularities had been
discovered in Diebold voting machines in software, including in the
crucial Florida vote in the 2000 presidential election. Closer to 2006,
much was made of the fact that the chairman of Diebold was a major
Republican fundraiser.]
I’m thankful for women who love short, cheap, egomaniacal guys. (David
Kleinbard)
That it actually does get better than this. (Art Grinath)
And Last: I’m thankful that for one more week, I don’t own that
butt-ugly painting. (Brendan Beary, Great Mills) [Style Invitational
Week 686 for Real asked contestants to say why they should be awarded
Loser Fred Dawson’soriginal portrait of a (very) red-haired woman
,
which Fred himself had touted as a terrible picture. Art Grinath had won
the painting in an earlier Invite, but insisted on regifting it, saying
that “frankly, it frightened my cats.” And who won the painting this
second time? Not Brendan. It was . . .:
/And the Winner of the Ugly Painting:/
“I should get it because everyone thinks you’ll give it to me because
that would be funny, but then people will think you would never resort
to such a cheap and easy laugh, so they’ll be sure you won’t give it to
me, and that’s when you’ll fool them. (Art Grinath, Takoma Park)”
*TAKE 1,247: THE MOVIE RESCRIPT RESULTS *
Ah, so much silly in the results of Week 1247,
in which we asked you to reinterpret the title of a movie and supply a
line from your “script.” Lots of fun this week — how can you not laugh
at Gary Crockett’s “Shawshank Redemption: “I’m going to the pawnshop to
get my shawshank back”? — and there were literally hundreds of entries I
found amusing. But take it from me: the jokes start to wear thin after
the first few dozen, which is why I cut off the list of inking entries
at a still healthy 35, in which 27 Losers get ink.
Once again, I was disappointed to end up without a First Offender,
though it’s just the second blot of ink for Mark Prysant and James
Kruger, the third for Danny Wysong and the fourth for Colin Schatz. The
aforementioned Drew Bennett stubs his toe on the 150-ink milestone with
his seventh win (but his first of the new Lose Cannon trophies). And
runners-up Jesse Frankovich, Larry Gray and Danielle Nowlin — with 618
blots of ink among them, including 76 “above the fold” — each got
multiple honorable mentions as well.
*What Doug Dug:* The faves of Ace Copy Editor Doug Norwood this week are
from the HM list: Danielle’s “Boyz N the Hood” and “How to Train Your
Dragon’; “The Thin Red Line” by Duncan Stevens, who suggested the
contest; and Dave Matuskey’s “Invasion of the Body Snatchers.”
There were, unsurprisingly, a lot of similar “scripts” for many of the
titles. There are a few joint credits, but I usually chose one over
another for some reason (if it concerned your non-inking entry, it was
because I just don’t like that smirk on your face).
*Cut! Unprintables from Week 1247: *
Among those not rated P (printable) this week (I sneaked Tom Witte’s
“Must Love Dogs” into the Invite near the end, and at this writing it’s
still there). I’m just looking up the names of the authors as I copy
these entries in:
On Golden Pond: “I guess threesomes and water sports are a bad
combination.” (Duncan Stevens)
He’s Just Not That Into You: “Ma’am, I think I’ve figured out why you
and your husband Little Willy are having trouble conceiving.” (Duncan
Stevens)
The 400 Blows: “Ms. Lovelace, we all think it’s time for you to retire.”
(Neal Starkman)
Peter Pan: “Nigella, I’m afraid to ask but, which pot do I use to cook
the spotted dick?” (John McCooey)
9 to 5: “It’s all right, really – so what if you’re not as big as my ex?
I swear, I’m not comparing you!” (Tom Witte, who seems to have a
fixation on penis length ... I mean penis length jokes)
Die Hard: “Well, that about completes Mr. Dillinger’s autopsy. Let’s
just check one last thing...HOLY SH*T!” (Rob Huffman)
Going in Style: “This is a really nice hotel suite, Mr. Trump. Thanks
for the caviar and all that champagne. What would you like Olga and me
to do now?” (Mark Prysant) The reason that this joke is here and not in
the Invite proper is that it concerns really scurrilous and really
unproven allegations. I’ve run jokes that have alluded to the scandal,
but I thought this entry was a bit too specific. By the way, the
original movie title is a pun in itself; it’s a comedy about old men
risking their lives in a bank heist.
“How Green Was My Valley”: “My bikini waxer thinks I’d better cut out
the kale smoothies before I need medical help.” (Barry Koch)
*Next Loser Sighting: * Sunday, Nov. 12, the brunch buffet at Buddy’s
Crabs and Ribs at the Annapolis City Dock. I plan to go. RSVP to Elden
Carnahan here .